Wednesday 1st October 2014
“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast”(Psalm 139: 9-10)
My faith has not got me through my difficult time with domestic abuse. My faith has not been my source of strength, my inspiration or the thing I have clung to.
My faith is weak. My faith doubts. My faith makes demands and is pretty unfaithful when they aren’t met. My faith is fickle. My faith is lazy too. My faith couldn’t get me through anything really, because it’s mine, it’s human.
My GOD on the other hand did get me through the tough times, and still does. My God is faithful. HE is my source of strength, as the psalmist puts it, even if I run from him in anger, try to pretend I don’t believe in him anymore he’s still there, holding me and guiding me. Loving me.
It’s hard to describe sometimes the many ways God has held me up, partly because it’s so deeply personal. It’s easier from behind a keyboard to tell you that God is amazing, really amazing. That he’s been there for every need, for every tear I’ve cried, for every problem I’ve faced. That when times have been tough I have never once felt abandoned, unloved or unimportant, even when I was being told by my husband I was unlovable. It’s easy for me to type that the reason I still have self esteem despite the abuse isn’t because I am tough or thick skinned but because I know I am a child of the King, I deserve respect and I am loved, unconditionally even when I completely mess up- which I do, a lot. Knowing that it’s okay to mistakes and that someone bigger than anything is looking out for you is pretty helpful when it comes to worry and confidence.
It’s not always easy to tell you that over coffee and cake though. I’m aware that when Christians talk about their relationship with God it can make others feel uncomfortable. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I also know some Christians are like pushy salespeople who desperately want you to follow their brand of religion and won’t shut up about how great it is until you agree to. I don’t want to be that person either.
But I do you want you to know I have this God, and he’s brilliant. And without him I wouldn’t have got through it. I just want you to know really that God’s awesome, and faithful and whoever you are, wherever you are on whatever journey you’re on; He loves you.