20th July 2017
I’m not a phobia kind of person but I do have one thing that scares me.
I mean physical pain. When I tell people they don’t understand, they tell me “that’s normal, nobody likes pain” but for me it’s a real phobia; dentists (but not check ups because they don’t hurt) blood tests, anything that might hurt a bit. I don’t even have my ears pierced. I’ve done the hurty thing before, I know it’s not that bad but I blow it up beforehand out of all proportion and end up a wreck over a tiny scratch.
But a while ago I decided that fear wasn’t going to stop me doing something I wanted to do. I started to give blood.
Before I give blood I’m terrified, my heart pounds, my mouth is like sandpaper, I feel a little sick. Even when they do the pinprick test beforehand, I hate it. It scares me. I do it anyway.
After I give blood I feel like a superhero not only because I might have saved a life but because I’ve conquered my fear to do it. I refuse to live a life of fear.
Around the time I decided I wouldn’t live a life scared of physical pain I decided I wouldn’t live in fear of emotional pain either. I had been utterly broken; I was scared of ever experiencing that again but I wasn’t going to build emotional barriers or stunt my relationships for fear of being hurt. I decided that living a life of love was worth a little scratch, or worse.
Grief is rubbish, really rubbish, it hurts like hell, but I will not fear it, I will not run from it and it will never get the better of me.
The depth of our experience affects the depth of our character, if we refuse to make ourselves vulnerable and open ourselves up to the possibility of something that could hurt we will never grow, and we’ll never experience the great joy of loving and being truly loved.
I write this from a place of pain. Today I am hurting, today I am grieving, today I wonder if I ever want to love or be loved ever again, but tomorrow I’ll be stronger, next week I’ll be a better person and in time I’ll be an even happier me.
Don’t fear pain.