“I’ve told him…” my friend announced “that he should never hit first, but if someone hits him, he should hit back twice as hard, then they won’t do it again”
We were talking about how we were teaching our young children about how to deal with bullies. I’d taught my children something altogether different.
I’d taught them not to hit back.
I’d taught them that violence is always wrong, that it isn’t the answer.
I hadn’t taught them to be passive though. To just stand there and allow themselves to be bullied. We’d talked about several different strategies: using humour to diffuse the situation, using kindness as an act of defiance, simply walking away and removing themselves from the situation, making a lot of noise to attract the attention of teachers, and using non-violent blocks. Ultimately though, I’d taught them that revenge is wrong and violence begets violence, so no matter how tempting it was, they mustn’t hit back.
My friend and I have disagreed on this topic. She would argue that the only thing bullies understand is getting hit back twice as hard, it’s the only way to stop them. My friend isn’t a Christian though, and her way is not the way of Jesus.
Jesus taught us: You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you: Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also, and if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, give your coat as well, and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you (Matthew 5:38-40)
This can be a tough message for those of us who are experiencing domestic abuse. When our abuser hits us are we supposed to just accept it? Even invite them to hit us again on the other side of our face? I don’t believe so. Jesus wasn’t telling women to remain in abusive marriages, he wasn’t advocating that we make ourselves doormats.
Jesus was teaching non-violence. He was responding directly to the old law which advocated taking vengeance; an eye for an eye. Jesus recognised the truth of the adage that “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth would leave the whole world blind and toothless.” This message is not about lying down and allowing yourself to be abused, it’s about choosing non violent responses.
I’ve worked with victims who have responded to their abusers violence by becoming violent in turn. It’s understandable, it’s human nature, and I am not going to sit in judgement of those women. We don’t all respond to being a victim in perfect ways and that’s okay, but what I will say is this: it never turns out well. It doesn’t make the situation better, in fact, it usually makes it worse.
When I was in an abusive marriage I took martial arts classes. I remember one day, as he squared up to me, thinking “I could use that strike we’ve been learning right now and smack him in the nose”. I didn’t. I realised the results would be either a) I just make him more angry and he hurts me even more or b) I actually hurt him. When it came down to it I didn’t want to hurt my husband, that’s not who I am. I realised my martial arts lessons weren’t going to help me because violence was never going to be the answer to his violence.
Martin Luther King said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” This is what Jesus is advocating here, the answer to violence and abuse is love. Jesus is reiterating his message to “love your enemies,” telling us to go an extra mile, to give our jacket when our shirt is demanded, he’s telling us to face down hatred and maltreatment with love. Because love is the only thing that can defeat abuse. Love, in the face of hatred, is an act of resistance.
For many of us “do good to those who hurt you” is a hard message. As Christian survivors we are called to love our abusers, rather than take revenge on them, and this may not be something we feel inclined to do. But it’s important to understand what love actually is. Love does not mean staying in harmful situations. Jesus’ message is that we should choose non-violence, but while we remain in abusive situations we are allowing the violence to continue, we are allowing our abusers to continue their violence and remain in their sin, that’s not loving. Rather, when we leave, we actively choose non-violence and we provide our abusers with the opportunity to do the same; to recognise their sin, repent of it, seek help and choose non-violence (though sadly, experience tells us very few take this opportunity). Leaving an abusive situation rather than staying and allowing the violence to be perpetuated, is the kind of non-violent resistance Jesus was preaching when he told us to turn the other cheek.
