I was always a fan of romance, when I was seven I demanded my “boyfriend” rescue me from the top of a hill I had run up- shouting “save me Colin, I’m a damsel in distress.” When I was seventeen I was thrilled to have a boyfriend who was a musician, because he could serenade me, and I loved that he bought us those matching necklaces that are half a heart each.
It was romance that my ex-husband used to sweep me off my feet; he wrote me poetry and bought me flowers every week. He grasped quickly what my love language was and during the honeymoon periods in between his persistent abuse he maintained the romance. Abuse and romance, a toxic combination.
So Valentine’s Day was tough for me when I first left, it was confusing, I’d simultaneously baulk at romance because it reminded me of my husband’s abuse, and yet crave it, because for me, that was what love looked like. And don’t we all want to be loved?
I barely notice Valentine’s Day these days, sometimes my partner and I will mark it, sometimes we don’t bother, it just depends what our calendars look like that year and what dates we had planned anyway. This year we have dinner at home planned, my partner said “hey if I leave it until late I might be able to get some heart shaped desserts with yellow stickers on them from Sainsbury’s” That’s as romantic as it gets- discounted desserts- I think getting a bargain may be my new love language.
Over the past decade I’ve learned that love and romance are not the same things. Romance does not necessarily equal love, and love does not have to involve romance. It’s just not what’s important. It’s love that matters. Perhaps that love comes with a dose of romance, perhaps it doesn’t; it’s not the grand gestures that matter, it’s the everyday love and respect that we all need. And what does love look like? Flowers, chocolates, being swept off your feet? I don’t think so.
I think the best description of love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13. It gives us a list of what love is, and is not. Here’s what it tells us love is:
Love is patient: He knows my flaws and loves me anyway, he never expects perfection from me
Love is kind: He’s respectful, generous and puts me first
Love rejoices in the truth: He’s honest and faithful, he uses his words to build me up, never to tear me down
Love bears all things: which means it is protecting. He’s a safe shelter during a storm, a comfort when times are tough, I feel safe to be vulnerable with him
Love believes all things: it is trusting and trustworthy. He believes the best of me I can rely on him, he takes responsibility for his own actions.
Love hopes all things: He believes in me and encourages me, I feel hopeful for my future when I am with him
Love endures all things: we persevere together. He respects me as an equal and we pull together in the same direction
Love Never Ends: He is emotionally stable and consistent. I know where I stand.
Whether you’re in a relationship this Valentines Day, or whether you’re hoping to find one, these are the qualities to look for before you start worrying about how white his charger is or how shiny his armour is.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends
(1 Cor 13: 4-8)
