7th July, 2021
About five or six years ago I made a decision to be a promiscuous Christian. I don’t regret it for a minute. And I don’t think God has a problem with it either.
I reached my decision a few years after I’d got divorced and I realised that the bible doesn’t actually say that sex outside of marriage is a sin.
It also doesn’t say that sex and love must go hand in hand, in fact, in biblical times sex was far more about procreation than love. Sex and love going together is very much a modern-day concept.
And that’s when I realised, I’d been missing out on something great all those years, because of shame around a perfectly normal and natural thing to do, heaped on me by religion.
By and large humans have sex for three reasons:
- To procreate
- To orgasm, it’s fun!
- To express love and create intimacy with someone they are in love with
All these reasons to have sex are legitimate, sometimes we might have sex for two or three of these reasons, sometimes maybe just for one of them. That’s okay. The fourth and fifth reasons people have sex are not legitimate
- To exert power and control over other people
- Because they’re forced or coerced into it
Weaponised sex like this is strongly condemned in the bible. It’s not okay. Fun, no strings, one night stand mutually enjoyable sex is not. Why would it be?
They told me that one-night stands would cause me pain, that when we have sex we create bonds of intimacy that when broken really hurt. Honestly, this is complete bullshit. If you’re going into a one-night stand thinking he’s going to fall in love with you, and he’s going into it planning to get his end away and never see you again then yes, you’re going to get hurt. It’s why honesty and mutuality are important. If you both want to feel nice, have a bit of fun, to celebrate each other’s bodies, to have a laugh, even a bit of affection but without the commitment of a relationship there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. It’s normal human behaviour.
I don’t do anything by halves, I’m not one for compromise. Sometimes Christians grudgingly concede that sex outside of marriage is “okay” but add the caveat “but it should at least be in a committed loving relationship”
Why?
There’s nothing in the bible that says that. What it should be “at least” is consensual and honest, both parties should want the same thing, and the other persons pleasure should be equally as important as your own. That’s what it should be “at least”
Those were my standards, I had a lot of sex, and I learned what I enjoy, where my boundaries are and I became more confident in my attractiveness and comfortable in my own skin. My relationship with God didn’t suffer. You know what the most important thing I learned from the whole thing was? I learned that sex really is no big deal. It’s just not that important.
We humans really idolise sex, and when you’re a woman you’re pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Christians aren’t any better, in fact in some ways they’re worse with all the demands and judgements and rules about who can stick what where. What a load of nonsense. It’s all so unimportant. There are so many other things we should be concerning ourselves with, primarily the contents of our hearts, not the contents of our pants.
So, let’s stop judging one another on sexual behaviour, let’s stop putting rules and restrictions on one another. Let’s stop the shaming. Let’s stop beating ourselves up for what we do, or don’t do, or did, or had done to us. Let’s drop the guilt around sex, because it’s just not that important.
And if you want to be promiscuous, do it (safely) if you want to be celibate, do it. (or don’t as the case may be) If you want to be polygamous, do it (mutually and consensually) if you’re in a monogamous relationship be faithful, if you’ve got yourself a “friend with benefits” treat them with respect. Focus on how you treat people and on ensuring those around you treat you with respect first and foremost. Because that’s what really matters to God
